This is a chapter from my book called The Inspirationalist (http://amzn.com/1447866576). I wrote this book as my dedication towards +Dodo Newman who inspired and motivated me in several times during my road. She taught me one very important thing, which was to not give up our beliefs in a positive solution. She taught me to keep up and to continuously believe in my aims. Thanks to Dodo I realized that I can always challenge the existing because we are able to improve things, to innovate.
Me and my father returned after India for a few years to my native country, to Hungary. It was extremely weird for me. I entered into the very middle of communism, into a world, which was closed and controlled at the same time.
After a free and spiritual world, I felt the years spent here almost as if in prison. During the communism in Hungary even the freedom of thoughts was suppressed. It was a very oppressive world. People lived by stereotypes, patterns. Learning was bound to rules and communications were formal. It was not possible to talk about anything only about generally accepted themes. There were mandatory lessons, punishments in schools as well as continuous recitations. This was not playful learning any more, it was constrained and soldierly with restrictions.
I continuously felt that I did not belong to this place. Perhaps because of my behaviour or perhaps because I came from another, spiritual world. As a child it was here that I first experienced being outcast. These were extremely painful years.
I spoke more languages although I had difficulties with Hungarian. But to be honest I was not very motivated to speak with other people. They were jealous and malicious. They did not see the fantasy side of my travels and my world experiences but were envious because of their closed lives. They found me odd and outcast me, even the adults. I became the “dirty Indian girl”.
Perhaps this is how they calmed themselves because they never got to get anywhere and never travelled to any other part of the World.
Of course now I know the old joke:
A guy dies and goes down to Hell, where Lucifer takes him around. In Hell different nations are being boiled in different cauldrons. Each cauldron is under heavy security not letting anyone to escape with guards and weapons.
They get to the first big cauldron, there are people boiling in it and two devils with whips guarding at both sides of the cauldron.
- Who are these? - asks the guy.
The Russians. - is the answer -, they are forced back with a
whip if they try to escape.
They get to the second cauldron, there are people boiling in it. A big sign above the cauldron says: “Climbing out is forbidden!”. There is no guardian around.
- Who are these? - asks the guy.
- These are the Germans. An orderly nation if something is forbidden they do not try to brake the rules. They do not need guards.
Lucifer strides forward satisfied until he reaches the third cauldron. A big cauldron and there are people boiling in it. There are no guards, no sings, a cauldron without any kind of control.
- Who are these? - asks the guy.
- This one is the Hungarian one. They do not need guards nor signs. If anyone tries to climb out the others will pull him or her back instantly.
I missed during these years the international environment, everyone was Hungarian around me and this was quite frustrating. I also missed the colours, the games, in Hungary everything was grey and sour.
It was a purely materialist world with no spirituality at all. The every days were all about materialism. It was extremely difficult, a very hard contrast and I loathed it. I was not prepared for this, I was astonished by what I experienced there. It is very different if someone is born into a culture and everything becomes regular and normal and it is another thing if someone lives between contrasts. It is not easy.
One day however my prayers were heard and finally we moved on. I thought anything will be better than this but soon I had to realize that I was wrong. From one bad to the other one...
What would have been a more cruel choice for a young teenager girl than Iran. A closed and repressive world. Well this is exactly where I was directed to. As a teenager right in the age when one is opening up, when our personality is formed, when we are changing and wanting to change, when we are rebels. This was the moment of my life when my consciousness began to wake up and the world where I was living encircled, closed and oppressed me. Iran is a country where people live behind walls. It is a wonderful country, but outside the walls there is a lot of hypocrisy.
We lived in a beautiful area but I was constrained between the walls. It was not like before, I could not just go out to take a walk if I wished to. Moreover if I went out I had to veil my hair and my body and had to observe the local rules, expectations.
I used to sit a lot in my own room and it was here that I began to fantasize. It was during these long periods of loneliness that I drew until it was dark and I created a sea of pastel drawings. I chose art as one of the forms for my self-expression.
My path from here was determined by art, which became my faith. I then wandered from Iran to the capital of art. I went to Italy where I learnt to become a fashion designer. I lived in Firenze and Rome. It was a real contrast of living experience between Iran and Europe, especially from the viewpoint of aesthetics.
I studied in Italy fashion design but this was also bounding for me, I missed freedom. I needed the artistic creativity. My aim was not heard and giving way to the pressure of my diplomat father I continued studying international politics. This was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I felt lonely and I was convinced that this whole path was aimless.
The Inspirationalist book is available in International distribution.
Amazon.com: http://amzn.com/1447866576
Official website: http://www.theinspirationalistmovie.com
+Dodo Newman 's website: http://www.inspirationaliste.com
Her FaceBook fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/inspirationalist
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